2001-08-14

before i started this job, i listened to rock, indie, emo,

now i listen to r'n'b, showtunes, and brittany spears commercials

before i worked here, i was with an old girlfriend in a young, just-out-of-college relationship.

now i'm in a fresh, straight up love affair with a perfect match.

kelli gives me so much hope and happiness (sappiness).

before i came here, i had dreams of making collaborative art work, performance art in a theatre.

now i've not only seen those ideas come true, i work in one of the most unique free art spaces in all of new york.

after i got out of college, i really wanted to try to be able to talk to my parents like normal.

two years later, i've found that i can talk to them pretty good, but only for so long. i still can't really make them understand what i'm doing; nor can i appreciate their perspective all too well. this is life with parents i guess.

and that's normal.

i wanted to never paint again...

now im kind of painting again, but i'm really happy with the results. and its good to not have to worry about it.

i wanted to make a music band, or make a cd of songs.

the band hasn't happened so far, but i have made a collection of songs.

the problem, i discovered, with me, is the Presentation. I'm not good at Presenting my songs. but they're still pretty good, i've gathered. Hey, people give me good feedback about them.

I wandered how far i would stretch my gender, my identity.

I found out that i haven't really changed too much. still old mr. hidden-but-true macho, slightly masochist guy, with sporadic tendencies to dress up in women's clothing and look pretty.

i wanted to take ballet or jazz lessons. but chickened out. its scary out here in nyc, where the dancers are serious. They have like leg warmers and tights and everything. Don't they just have a class where yokels like me can go in sweats and loose t-shirts? and not be Barishnikov?

I wanted to go to a club and take ecstasy or have some crazy sensual fun experience.

Didn't happen yet, but Frank the German painter took me to all the topless bars where all the girls knew his face well.

Wanted to hang out with old connections that are in the city from high school, from college.

Nope. Scott and Tom i've seen, but not really lately. I'm making new strange friends instead, only on a superficial level. Where's that deep connection with people like there was in school??

i miss it.