2000-12-19

im tired. last nite i walked about state college, leaving mild gretchen (kelli)'s house at 1 am and it was such a thing. she was gone already to utah. there were a few people in town still, but mostly it has emptied out and i just realized that xmas is 6 days away when i looked at the monitor this morning (if you consider this morning 4pm ie 5 minutes ago). so i started walking and like i was starting to tell you, i developed this retinue (avenue) when i was home from my first year in college. depression would set in for some reason or another. I would feel alone in the world, and then i would start walking.

its kind of like what they say when your tripping. If you are feeling uncomfortable in a situation, change your environment. Immediately. don't think about it. do it. so when i was uncomfortable with this lonliness, i'd go for a walk.

This usually happened around 1 in the morning. Its such a kick to go out and let the simple air refresh you. Its amazing, but no matter how depressed i may feel, a long walk will clear it up. sometimes, of course, i would have to walk a lot longer than i planned, in order to get out of that rut. its a communal thing. it's completely what Henry David Thoreau was talking about (more specifically: raving about). To commune with nature is the quickest, safest way to realize that your problems aren't really all that big of a deal. In the grand scheme of things, or even just the grand scheme of a few square miles around your house. Everything becomes pretty grand. How can you not smile? when the stars are beaming down as they have for millions of years, the breeze blows and your chin gets all numb from the cold. Just submit yourselves to the experience.

Well, like i said, that cheered me up, but the best was yet to come. As i approached State College, about a mile up the road, everything came flooding back. 5 years of experience in these cement and morter valleys and ravines. There was the high school football field where Dierdre and Miles and I romped through (climbing the fence first) at 1 in the morning, 4 years earlier. That night we decided we had so much energy we would drive to Diedre's hometown of Harrisburg. That was the last days of atherton.

There was Jeanette's house, where I spent my final summer. Living in such a domestic Bliss. (it Was, i'm so nostalgiac), The pool we sneaked into to take a dip after midnite. I crept along the apartment complex, in search of the table that i had painted her picture on. And there it was. Still sitting on some random person's porch. These girls had seen me driving through with a truck full of huge paintings in the back, and had called out asking for one. So i gave them the table, which was going to get thrown out anyway. It was moving to see they still had it. I bent underneath to see my signature, "David Grainger made this, Thanks for the Ciggie, enjoy the table ...".

There was the Nittany apt, which i visited too. I could remember the first night Jason, Eric, David A, and I went Howling into the night. I always see the corner of Atherton and Nittany and see us rounding that bend, all decked out in series of seriously silly costumes. Jason has earmuffs placed on his near-bald head, rotated 90% for a crazy green mohawk effect. David is in some sort of bespectacled, old-professor get-up; with that voice of gentle mockery of everything. Eric is making some chirping sounds and jumping in the air, or taking huge strides through the double lines in the middle of the road. Ready to turn at any moment and smile at you and exclamate: "BLAAAGHH!" or a similiar nonsense.

Well this is practically all madeup, an attached fabrication to enhance my memory of a particularly momentious time in my/our lives.

Then i went to the only place besides Unimart that was open on the monday after semester ends ... stupid old Ye Olde College Diner. There was two or three guys in there, and it was the most quiet i ever saw. One was this begruzzled man from Florida who explaining his life of Running a Contracting Business. then the other guy was a Pappa John's Delivery Guy who would innocently deliver pizzas to late night parties only to be greeted by S&M Mistresses, and proceed to get whipped, his dick sucked, or whatever else. He had fallen in love with a heroin addict who had been stranded in state college, and dramatically was banging on the door to the Pizza Parlor, whimpering for some heat from the Kitchen to warm her up. This was two weeks ago. he swears to me that she kicked her 200$/day habit as of this past weekend. I expressed my doubts, cautiously, of course.

I wanted to just leave and stay at Gabriel's (the door is always open), but then i passed a Unimart on Pugh, and inside i saw that guy who i had always seen walking around. he has a grey beard,with a single dreadlock from his chin reaching down to his waist. I had always wanted to talk to him, and now was my chance. Well, it was only a little before 5 at this point. He was completely intriguing, his name is Ray by the way. but to go into his story would make this diary entry too long (if it isn't already!) He said he walks everywhere because he has diabetes, and it was hazardous to drive or even ride a bicycle. I told him i just walked in from Lemont. This impressed him...

the town is a year and a half older, and so am i. i feels like i have been to a party in every house. or an event. i have walked every street, every alley. With cohorts. i have touched every bit of brick and mortor this town has to offer. I have coursed through its system. and gotten to know it like no other town. Im so shockingly nostalgic.

I took Kelli to the Daily Grind. Where so much has started. Maybe this is a new start...

January 1st brings new life into my life. I will have an official work space for myself. Jake will be here. Kelli is near. These are blessings. I have no idea what's in store, but like i said, when i need to be optimistic, I'll just go for a walk.