2012-05-20

130 am. around the time that I would start an entry back in 2000, 2001 diaryland days. a saturday night, just like when I used to work at that internet computer job that shall go unnamed. yes. it was say 11 years ago, this time of night, that i would make an entry. "blog" wasn't a household word yet, but that's what it was. Since this is a 'diary' I'll keep it nice and personal: I am breaking up with my girlfriend. this week has been tough, but it has been coming for a long time. I feel liberated, from a horribly long cycle of relationship hell. a nightmare of self discovery and a series of tests that I have not passed with flying colors. Now it is clear to me that for the rest of my life, the great challenge will be accepting another person for their imperfections, for their flaws, and loving them as they are. Loving and accepting myself also, of course, comes first. A- has been the yin, if Kelli was the yang. they were so different in so many ways, and I care deeply for them both . . . in the end I was not able to give them the love they needed. I feel weak, and cowardly, and exhilarated, and positively ready to move on all at the same time. Why can't I just make decisions quicker, and tell people immediately how I feel? instead of dragging on relationships that probably should have ended a long time ago (years, in fact). It is because of a weary understanding that in many ways, it doesn't matter. Life is absurd, pain is inevitable, and you can spend an great deal of time twisting in the wind as a torn branch on a tree, hanging by a few threads. The ultimate break-off will happen, and I just fear it.

My life has gone in ways I haven't liked in the past 4 years since I finished grad school. I have been lost, I have abandoned my friends. A- has dominated my mental space. I have made my studio in the confines of a shared room, living and working with her in 1100 ft2 in New York. And as you know, in this city, space is at a premium. I have sacrificed a great deal to have a simple space to work. I used A-'s generosity to my favour, perhaps unconsciously. she has paid for half the rent, but only really benefited from half of half the space, sharing the living side with me, and allowing me for the most part full run of the studio half of the apartment.
She has provided a car, purchased from money she receives monthly from her grandparents. for the 3.5 years that she had a full time job, she would cover me when I could make rent, loaning me money without a question. and this was through the difficult time of the the 2009-10 recession, and believe me I was poor.

basically, I have had a difficult time being creative, making a name for myself, developing my artwork; all of the things that I was gung ho for the past ten years, have receded in effect. and now that I have managed to end this relationship with the girl known as A--, I will return to my obsessions with a mercenary's zeal. She is a distraction no longer!

slighty tired from a night of beer and bourbon at a friends' birthday party. Idiot A-- outed us as broke up and made a scene in her drunken, obscene childish way that only she can pull off.