2002-03-31

im at home in New Tripoli, so that must mean one thing - Its Easter! well, nothing 's happened so far except a bus ride and some ham sandwiches. and my sister got caught drinking. but she defrayed it by coming home and talking about the bike accident she got in, so everyone's got pity for her. of course, it follow's the age-old rule: the youngest sibling gets it the easiest.

Just the guilt i had thinking that i had upset my parents back then, when i was caught drinking at the age of 15 or whatever. But then, i drank a lot all through hi school, and rarely was found out.

Vot else? well, im reading this science book entitled "Full House: the Spread of excellence from Plato to Darwin" by Gould, and it turns out so is Emily, at this exact moment. and i think i mentioned that in the last entry anyway. my head is soggy at the moment, not very sharp. being at home is draining, but i'm getting better at it: at seeing their perspective, slightly, and at talking to them in full dialogical sentences that actually flow from one to another. Like my parents are actually becoming real people to me just like the guy in the deli or the Bagel man down the street, or my studio mate Adriana, or my girlfriend, or like my cat is a real cat. i think for the longest time, i made them (parents) into these entities with no sense or understanding, with no possibility of communicating with. And yes they are definitely self-absorbed; but they are my history, my roots. my love stems from them, like sap. we are united in our confusions, our blustering shameless middle-class ways.

I never shared with them my anger, and so now, my anger disappears, never realized. It was potential, it gave me chance for movement, chance for action and political statement. Now instead i fear it has left me, and i will be just as they are . . . tired, and self-obsessed. I will replace my parents in the big scheme of things. and this is not a bad thing. Its good, actually. Why not? I m afraid to take my parent's place, but in a way, its good to actually be able to speak with them. They still don't understand everything, but yeah well... neither do I.

On another note, i was thinking about (while reading this book about Evolution) that there is one thing scarier than death. and that is evolution. Death is the end of an individual. ok so, there is religious ideas to sooth that, and warmth in passing on through a lineage. I may die, but my children will live after me. Evolution, though, ultimately means the end of a race. all races. Humans are not necessarally the final end in some billion year progress, but just another blend of chance and genetics in the universe. Our so- called 'consciousness' is unique, but who is to say it is anything more? We are a mix of animal tendencies (World Wrestling Federation, Prostitutes, Fences) and reflection (Mathematics, poetry, tears). We are a particular ratio between the two, but not the only one.

It is scary to think that all of our written history is biased and in need of rewriting, scary to think that man will be replaced. But yet, i feel some comfort in the whole thing. Happy with the knowledge (or notion), because somehow it bestows a freedom. freedom from arrogance.