2001-03-31

"the city is a wonder town ..." thus spoke sonic youth's thurston moore. this line has repeated in my head every once in a while for the past two years that i've been here. "nyc everything!" raps the RZA in a new song. yep, that too. it is everything, it is everywhere. it is unto itself an ultimate and contained biosphere of pollution, pollenation, population, screaching sirens and parties, cold bones sleeping out on the grate in the rain or wind or cement nite street.

filth is everywhere. people are making filth. they aren't aware of the trash that they are throwing, and of how absolutely bereft they are of respect for decency or tradition -- americans. puh!

went to see 'Pollock' tonite with Casey. She gave me this big peck on the cheek which i guess is supposed to tell me something or what-not, and break through the suspense and dullness that conversation eventually leads to. but you know, im not so interested in more than 'just friends' with her. so i left and came to work. the movie was ok, blase (darn can't put the accent mark on with this keyboard), fun, stupid. always perpetuating the myths of western artists as children. as megalomaniacs that can't function in the real world without some Woman. She is the fodder, she is used- up, she is replace-able, universal. nothing special beyond how much she is able to give to him, how long she will put up with his childishness and support him. she is the emotional ballast.

Not sure i'm buying into it. Not sure that we need to feed this 'burn up and fade away' propaganda. Artists are the high point of society? shouldn't they provide an Alternative, or better yet, a new benchmark as to where society heads? Aren't we evolving creatures, part of speculative Mother nature? Can't we live our lives to the end, making art when we're 90? It is then, after all, when we are closest to God.

Why do we have to hide our old folks? Because we americans are cowboys, and we are forever living on the range. There is little use for the old. We have to spend energy protecting them. Nursing homes, delirium - NO TRADITION!

Well, whatever. i am afraid i will never be able to have sex. I will never be able to please someone sexually. and i am choking on that fear, it is the forepoint of my dreams. I will dis regard myself and throw myself into a heap onto the floor and get old. So i better make room now for a spot in the nursing Home. Old people don't have to worry too much about sex, do they?

oh, to have it over again! and to live through the last ten years as a Don Juan! jumping from girl to girl and making them all swoon!. Well, i don't know if i would really want to do that. but, i can't help feeling that i've missed out. Like eddie murphy says: " when you're young, you've got no dick control!" Well, when is that supposed to pass, Eddie? When your 40?

I am reading a book called "Refusing to Be a Man" by John Stoltenberg. It is giving me hope and is also annoying at times. He is such a whiner! Hey, I don't want to be a Whiner!

Kelli i really am looking forward to seeing you this weekend (today, in fact). and i hope We are all just happy forever.