2000-10-15

oh mother fuck im going to be backspacing a lot tonite, to cover up for all my typos im drunk on maker's mark whiskey with jason and emily like an invocation of old whiskey mondays of senior year.

i sometime fret over how i m really myself when im drinking, and that all other times im playing a role., and that that means im a (potential) alchoholic.

i got to work 40 minutes late, and we were playing street fighter vs. marvel heros on jason s playstation. abggghhhh.

and let me tell you all aobut the world of diaryland . chat.

its awesome. last nite i was on it for over 8 hours. and its like communication, at a very slow level. ive never been into chats, but the folks at diaryland are a grade above the rest. and the world is free on the internet! we are all equal. motherfuck uncle sam, i know who i am....

sorrry gettin off on tangents and its hard enough to type let alone communicate, though my seams are bursting with ideas.

there are girl a plenty in this world that are pretty. are we supposed to lionize them all? No. fuck'

em, there just people. i was at a party, and everyone was pretty, and it was like a dream. only the problem was i couldn't get to know everyone at the same time.

we live this life limited, by time and space. so ideals are useless, beauty is useless to think about. only to behold. you can only live in a beautiful state of mind, and love someone; you can't love everyone. so you can't think about their exterior only. it'll drive you insane

now vic chestnut is playing on spinner, before it was sunnyday real estate. i recommend them both as wonderful music. vic chestnut lives in a wheelchair.

by the way i saw a wheelchair man, hispanic, getting on the bus today. it was gripping. drudgery. it took a while for the driver to go back to the second door, get the right key, to lower the ramp, let the man back onto the ramp; raise it. lock him into place (move the seat up out of the way. belt him in so he doesn't wheel all over the place like an invalid outof control.) then start driving the bus again.

it was this scripted process that all bus drivers have to learn, certainly in nyc. what a world we live in.

now its throwing muses, who i don't know too much about, but they seem pretty cool/

here's the people i chatted with:

sirilyan

grayarea

artsykelly

cultureshock.

i might add them all as links, they were all pretty cool..

im at work and its lame- o but it pays for my food and rent, and im a typing a way on thisa keyboard living the life of the super inspired. mommy mommy shit 0- 0t o wow.

i love everyone i meet. they are all cool the world is a beautif ul place to live.,, and i won't be embarrased to post this for others to read cuz im proud and brave, and im going to be a hero formyself.

you should all follow your dreams (like de la vega says) and do what it is that captures your fancy. shit - - o im like drunken chinese kung fu master .

fuck~!! now its portis head, cool chicky singing with an attitude, crazy keyboard smoky effects "give me a reason to love you ... to be.. a woman" im swaying to her emotion.

How to make food? With love. that s it. cook your veggies, but learn to love raw veggies., and food made with love for your friends is full of positive energy, or so my yoga teacher said. also the chef i used to work for.

why are we alone? to be afraid. to be respectful, to learn respect, of the chaos and sublimity (is that a word) of the universe. i like to think that i know more than the average man because i am more alone than most. i am more lonely. i spend more time alone than most people. this is not a brag. just a fact. though i make it be through the pride that runs through my veins. which is a part of me and makes me a wonderful person and an asshole at the same time. (applause, the portishead track was live ...)

i am an asshole to all of my friends. that does not mean i don't love them. just my love is tight, and it comes with a pay back. (now tricky is playing, saw him at central park, nate white likes tricky)

Always searching, always confused. i enjoy staying confused. on the search for the new Reality.

im not going to go on, if you would like to hear more. then email me. I love every one of you!