2005-04-25

A pineapple sits next to me. REM's "Automatic for the People", one of my favorites, is playing. i will try not to quote lyrics for you to save you all from embarrasment. and this pineapple, its a relic from all this fruit that I bought for visiting friends. you know, you have to have a well stocked fruit bowl if youre planning on having company, right?
Talked to David A for a good long time last night. which was great. Hey da, what's up. shout out.
and let's see, I have a fan blowing on the cabinet below the sink, because mold and/or mildew is growing under their. It is one of the pleasantries of living in a basement, under the surface of the earth, under the water table. Hey there was a huge pipe main break a few months ago, and had it happened a couple of blocks closer, Kelli and I would have lost everything. 30 houses were flooded, and many people were really screwed with no insurance. Up the creek, so to speak.
I have a mechanism inside that prevents me from succeeding. I don't mean that if just one thing changed, I could be well-off and set for life; just I seem unable to do the simplest things, that I set my mind to doing. I got denied from every school I applied to this year. and that sucks. I used to think I could be a musician, but that's gone the way of plenty of other old dreams. Sure I could pick up the guitar again, (its been a year and a half!), but things are changing quickly now. Kelli speaks of houses and children. jobs are becoming routine. i have no or few friends in New York, my home for 5 years. and I don't take the time to go pursue them or cultivate, so it's really my fault/responsibility, i guess.
I'm slipping into something, I don't know what yet.
my two big art breaks fizzled. the show in beacon got moved into a tiny venue, and my performance piece was scrapped for lack of space. the show in chelsea was abrubtly cancelled as it turned out the gallery owner was flakier than shit.
and I seem to hate my work as soon as I'm done concentrating on it. or, its like i make good work half the time, and bad work half the time, but i don't know which it will be until later when i have hindsight. so I end up swinging back and forth, losing focus all the time. and wasting time because of it.
This pineapple smells good. I'm going to open it up and eat it when I'm done this entry. and then I'm going to go buy another monthly pass at my yoga place. and then im going to call a man with a van to pick up a treadmill i found on craigslist for a new art project. its about walking. ha ha. no really, it is.
kelli just called, she isn't feeling that sick anymore. I'm relieved. I think i got her food poisoned by asking her to taste my flounder fish cakes a little too early. whoops! sorry honey!.
okay, i think I'm out for now. Have stuff to do today, ... must... use ... time ... wisely!