2001-04-07

oh, oh oh. so tired and look, ill soon be 25 this month. i don't feel like an adult. i am balking at something. why can't i just shine and do my thing and let the people around me see what's on my mind?

oh, god, its getting on... im reading joseph campbell and he says how when your 35, your life is the noon day sun, at its peak. well, if that's so, then im already at about 10 oclock in the morning!

well, i haven't wasted time. no. i mean, i can feel pretty safe in saying that i've been to my share of parties, met my share of crazy individuals. had my share of good late night conversations that i never wanted to end.

i just want to be happy when its all over, and know i did it right, and it was best. and that i loved my friends, and i voiced my opinions. and acted justly and rightly and kindly. but oh, i don't know, i just seem so quiet and confused by each day as it comes. i don't have a plan. well, you know, i kind of made up my mind a few years ago that plans were a waste anyway. and now, here i am drifting. i can't say im not enjoying this world. no, things are. good.

and then i read about how the ancients would make a long long tunnel for the young boys to crawl through as initiation in to manhood. and they would arrive in a cave full of mystical hidden paintings of animals and spirits (aenima). And that would be the rebirth, the second birth canal. oh us men, always trying to fill our lives with meaning, always trying to know "what it's like to be a girl" (Madonna).

When will we ever stop? well, i was thinking what if i made a performance where the people had to crawl through a tunnel like that? or an event? An initiation. If they knew what was at the other end, it would lose all of its mystique...