2000-09-03

if you don't write something down it just echoes inside your head until it comes out later. ideas just kind of hang out and echoe. they repeat themselves. that's why we have choruses in songs, to imitate the processes going on in our head. and when you have a song or a phrase stuck in your head, its like a beat, repeating itself so much that the meaning is replaced by an abstract sort of groove. there was meaning to the things that i did or thought in other times, but there is not the same meaning in them now. if i were to try to enact the same actions and phrases now, and get the same important meaning out of it, it wouldn't really work.

i think my head got a cramp. it is in the habit and is used to getting cramps. it moves along too long on the same rigid path, and gets cramped. and lost, in its own thought. it is useless to others, because they can't make heads or tales out of what i say.

i was in a wonderful mood today after sitting down and listening to sonic youth's "a 1000 leaves". isn't it nice to have quality in your life? How can you stuff your life full of more quality? Should you even try? maybe its evil to try, maybe each person's life has a limit of quality that they are permitted to tap into. its destiny. don't try and make everyday a sunday, or you'll just disappoint yourself.

and i was thinking about what the word 'positive' means. in one definition, its the opposite of negative, as in a positve charge. on the other hand, it can also mean to be sure of something. "I'm positive that this is supposed to happen ..."

But in the entymology of it all, the history of it all, it makes sense that maybe these were both at one time the same meaning. Something that is good, a positive belief or force in your life ... IS also something that you are sure of. Nothing more to it than that. if you are sure, you are right. if you don't believe in what it is, it is not for you. it is negative, and it entails confusion and uselessness in your life. We all spend time learning from mistakes that we hope not to repeat. seems to me that the closer we get to our true instincts, the things we are sure about, the more positive our life becomes. has nothing to do with good or evil. course i don't really believe that anyone would feel instictually moved to rape little kids or murder or steal. In those extreme cases; fear is the motivator, or at least involved. tinctured. maybe, i really don't know what i'm saying, just plotting out a little system for myself. and of course everybody can/must do it their own way. i can't say whats right for you or you or anyone else. Blahblabblay.

How exciting it will be to move on from this job and feel un-hinged again. hungry to get ahead, or just get a job. i would feel this if i quit. hmmm. then i'd force myself to search. and then some random thing would be there that would work out just as great because we are all blessed when we need to be.

(wait a minute, what a bout the dirty people on the street that get no breaks?) they make me sad. they blow my theories to bits. society's got to change.