2000-08-19

im tryin to be calm. its a good thing that im so good at doing just that.

many people think im really calm and relaxed. im not talking about people out on the perimeter of my life. im talking about close friends and family. my parents think i'm "laid back". that's what a lot of people say.

i guess my front worked too good. i act very cool and non chalant, when i may very well be burning up inside. and yeah, i guess its now not an act anymore; but incorporated into the reality of my life. Now if i could just make my frustrations and anger a reality again . . . that is, find a good way to vent them healthily.

i think i think much more than i feel. i was almost going to say 'too much', but i guess there is no such thing.

this guy on the subway saw me the other day, and i gave him a smile because he was all crazy. and i like craziness in people, of course. it can be annoying and overbearing if the guy don't get it . . . (like the other nite, a guy came into this pizza place i was at, and this song called "street sweeper" was on -- and he was so excited because there was a street sweeper outside [or the chance of one, i guess] that he stood repeating himself, ejaculating: "street-sweeper, out there! get it! street sweeper")

but anyway, this other (first) crazy guy was on the subway talking to everyone that would listen, in a loud voice. and he sees i'm kinda friendly to him, so he makes the statement that he's seen me before, i'm in that boy band, whatsitsname? then he runs down to the other end of the car and finds out its name from somebody (cus i wouldn't tell him). n'sync. oh yeah. of course. im the blonde guy from n'snyc. i was wearing a tight yellow shirt that emphasized that 'good wholesome boy' look that's brooding inert inside of me. so i guess i could see where the mistake could be made.

then he's slapping my hands (repeatedly, "Louder!", he says), and telling me don't worry, he won't embarrass me any more.

course i'm loving it. cuz i don't really usually get embarassed by attention from all the strangers in a subway car. and it was a packed one, let me tell you.

and now of course, i must tell you, dear diary, that eric made a trip to visit me. from the hinterland of Michiana.

We had a good time as hyperusual. we are kindred souls, on wavelengths that are particular and unique. No one i know is really anything like eric. and no one i know is such a pleasure to hang out with in such a Way as him. he is made for visits, in a way, like a hearthfire is made for ritual. read logosfiend - to see more.

oh, so why do i have to be patient? because my co - worker has overtaken and turned off MY spinner.com. on my computer. she endlessly plays cd's that i don't really wanna hear.

but, i had forgotten about it, so i guess i'm not really mad anymore. See how that forgiveness thing works? its wonderful, really.

(but fuckin-a, like i'm not just as dependent on music as you are)

ive got lots of love in my little toy heart.