2000-07-25

i stayed at my grandparent's last nite. i found out things that the family didn't know. pop-pop is acting like hes in better shape than he really is. he doesn't want anyone to take care of him who doesn't want to take care of him. if this means that he feels his own sons and daughters are too busy for him, or if he is a burden to them, he won't trouble them.

even though he can't get to the bathroom on his own sometimes. so i go there and watch him. and we talk about my father. who i don't know.

and he says i should get in touch with the Grainger side of things because apparantly my other grandfather was a huge tobacco farmer with tons of land and i could get some of that land as my own property. i laugh that off at first. Why would i want to take advantage of a situation so that it affected me favorably, in an obvious way? Why, if i ever do any thing for myself (which i always do), then i do it subtle and under cover. so that no one could detect. i'm a liar. (rollins band -- that song sucked)

but on second thought hey, that might not be such a bad idea. just the thought that there is someone related to me named Eugene is wild. and land is always good. i don't even imagine what i could do with something extravagant like that.

and pop-pop is feeling good this morning. i wake up and he's watching rug-rats. rug-rats for pop-pop. pop-rats. rug-star. pop-tart.

and i feel very elevated, liquidated. personified. realized. because im showing my family who it is that i am. for the first time. this is a good thing. exemplified.

"that's all i wanted, to see you baby, blues eyes shine. for just one moment . . ." with that rad 'father figure' beat that you could listen to all day, it always surprizes. in the back of your head.